Take control of who you are becoming
When you take stock of your life, look at what got you where you are today. Take the time to understand the things in and out of your control that contribute most to who you are. Only then can you start to take control of who you are becoming.
Who we are today rests almost entirely on two main things: the environment in which we were raised and our past decisions. Our childhood environment includes where we grew up, the family members we most engaged with, our friendships, our teachers and our activities. The vast majority of that is out of our control. We are, unquestionably, products of our childhood.
What is in our control are the decisions we make. Decisions of all shapes and sizes. Everything from what to eat for breakfast to what book to read next to deciding how to spend the next hour. These decisions, however inconsequential, play an enormous role in defining who we are at any given point in our lives. This is especially true as we leave our childhood behind.
Collectively, our childhood environment and the results of our decisions put us in a state of being–who we are right now. While we are in this state of being, as Bruce Tift writes in his book Already Free, “[T]here is always becoming. You can’t have one without the other.” Thus, as long as we are able to think and act, we are always changing…for better or worse. We are not some piece of art that is somehow completed and left to interpretation. That doesn’t happen until we die. No, as long as we are capable of making decisions, we are making them. These decisions take on a much greater role in determining our state of being as we get older. And each decision sends us further down the path to who we are becoming.
It is important, though, to gain an understanding about how to deal with the decisions we have made. Again, because these are in our control. The overwhelming majority of us look back at many of our decisions and wish we had chosen differently. We feel regret and maybe even shame. Spending time on those emotions is a waste of energy. There is nothing–let me repeat NOTHING–we can go back and do about it.
Well, except maybe one thing.
Learn from it.
When I say “learn from it,” I don’t mean the superficial nature in which we try to ascribe causality to some choice we made. “I decided to do that and this happened. So, I’m never doing that again because I don’t want this.” We’ve all done this at least once in our lives.
No, learning from it means putting yourself back into the person you were at the time. What were your priorities? What went into the decision? How did other, prior decisions you made impact that one? How did that decision impact subsequent decisions? If you could (miraculously) go back and have a do-over, what would you change about the decision? What would you do differently?
This line of questioning serves two purposes. First, it allows us to examine how we were making decisions then and gain some insight into how we can make decisions going forward. That decision could be 20 years or 20 minutes ago. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed. What matters is the examination of the decision and its consequences. Second, and more importantly, it opens the door for yet another question for us to explore. Since I can’t go back in time and change that decision, what can I do now to put myself on a more desirable path?
Again, we are simultaneously being and becoming. And “[b]ecoming is better than being,” as Carol Dweck says in her incredible book Mindset.
“If…you believe you can develop yourself, then you’re open to accurate information about your current abilities, even if it’s unflattering. What’s more, if you’re oriented toward learning…you need accurate information about your current abilities in order to learn effectively,” writes Dweck.
So, to start becoming the person we wish to be, we must start with the challenging, often painful acceptance of who we are. We must explore the internal struggles we face, the conversations we have with ourselves and how those manifest in our behavior. Then, we must identify what we most want and are willing to change. This is much harder than it seems, because this change involves often painful, draining work. It will take a toll physically, emotionally and psychologically. And, through this process, you will make mistakes. You will hit road bumps. Things likely will get worse before they get better as you navigate this path.
But when you do this vital work, you take control of who you are becoming. You move down this path with purpose. You will feel the change happening. Others will start to see it. Many may complement you, while others may choose not to say anything. And that doesn’t really matter. This is about you. Who you are and who you are becoming. Bringing yourself to the place you want to be. Once you get to that place, you will open yourself to going deeper, exploring out further. Of becoming whom you seek to be. Of becoming more than you ever thought you could.
It all starts with the next decision you make.